I’ve already spouted off about Earth Day before. So, you know how I feel. Here’s my rousing speech for the masses celebrating the planet we live on this Thursday. (Warning: Satire ahead! Please put your tongue in your cheek before reading.)

Hello everyone! Welcome to the third planet from the sun. Some of you have traveled a long way to be here for this celebration. I understand that Mercury was experiencing some especially hot weather and Venus just doesn’t have seasons the way we do here. Some of you may have come from Mars, but we’re not really sure if there’s life there yet. From what I can tell, it seems like a rough place to raise kids at least. So, welcome to the planet we like to call Earth.

From what I can gather, many of you don’t actually live here for most of the year. So, we are especially privileged to host you for Earth Day, where we remember and honor the planet that gives us cool stuff like iPods and the Nintendo Wii. We would be very bored without the ability to exploit the resources of Earth.

Some of you come from planets like the United States where there are abundant and infinite resources. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m glad you don’t live on this planet, because we couldn’t do it. It’s wonderful to have places with infinite resources to show us what is possible. Someday, perhaps, we will be able to leave Earth and move to this paradise, but for now we can dream.

Many of you create food out of thin air in your world. Your science makes it possible to create all that you need to live in the lab. At one point in history you were confined by the limitations of the Earth. Thanks to the exploitation of this world you are now able to live however you want where you live. The Earth has sacrificed to further the progress of our people. That is why we have this day to honor and remember what Earth has given in order to make us happy and rich.

We also remember all the dinosaurs and coal miners that have given their lives for a greater purpose. Their deaths were not in vain. Whether millions of years ago or this year, dinosaurs and coal miners alike have sacrificed their lives because they believed in something bigger than themselves. Their contribution to freeing the human race from the limitations of nature and this planet will always live on in our memory.

So, this Earth Day be sure to honor our planet and those who have come before us by flushing as often as possible. Leave the lights on! Go ahead, it’s what the dinosaurs wanted. Take a long trip with the family! Celebrate Earth Day in a way that reminds you that the other 364 days of the year you have freed yourself from this God-forsaken rock and achieved the purpose of the human race. Thank you and God bless the United States of our solar system.


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